It's Safe to Say That I'm Going Nuts
Mood: Heading towards the general direction of dimentia and depression
Music: Siam Shade - Life
I'm sorry if I haven't updated in awhile. The 82nd Season of the NCAA has already begun last June 24, 2006 and I'm still adjusting to the work-load. I've been very busy lately.
To be honest with all of you, the work-load is very manageable because I now have Tuesdays and Thursdays off. Unfortunately, it's just me who insists on working myself like a horse because it seems to be the only thing keeping me sane right now.
It's not healthy, really. But I seem to find work pleasurable in a way that it makes me think less about my situation and more about doing my job right. I'm also happy about the fact that I'm learning a lot of new things, especially about the sportswriting field, from my superior, Nathaniel Dela Cruz. I also like the fact that Nats (his nickname) never hesitates to tell me what I'm doing wrong, pretty much enhancing the learning. As Kintaro Oe always said, "Very Educational!"
It still scares me, though. I now dread Tuesdays and Thursdays because they're my most idle times of the week. And it is in idle times that I get haunted by my own demons, slowly draining me of my will to live.
My mind is a desolate place. There are times that I'd rather open my eyes in the darkness of my room than close my eyes and journey into the deepest recesses of my mind. It's just too much to take. So many bitter memories; so much regret; so many voices shouting shouldn't-haves and might-have-beens.
And whenever I sleep, I will still be haunted by those memories which manifest themselves as midnight reveries that leave a destructive wake on my consciousness.
I'm also scared to talk to my friends lately, most especially my bestfriend, Elaigh. Around other people, I always put on a strong facade to make them think that everything is just fine and dandy. On the other hand, I could never hide anything from Elaigh. Whenever I'm with her, I always take off that mask of strength and reveal the weakling that hides on the other side. But I'm just in too much pain that it might actually spill over to her and affect her. I don't want that. I don't want to be a burden, especially to my bestfriend.
If you're reading this, Elaigh, I'm really sorry. You may think of it as something that is self-righteous but I don't want to bother you with my constant whining. You have your own battles to fight, too. It'll be too selfish of me to ask for your help in fighting mine.
I'm sorry.
Sure, I am happy whenever I work. But at the end of the day, I always have to face myself during my homeward commute and before going to bed. Sometimes I even wish that the FX I'm riding suddenly crashes, or a stray bullet suddenly shoots down from the heavens and pierces through my brain. Unfortunately, He won't give me the privilege of death... At least not while He's still having lots of fun.
As most can see, my faith is not in tip-top shape either. As much as I try saying to myself that I have many things to be thankful for like having a roof over my head, eating three square meals a day, clothes that keep me warm, etc.; I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't say that I'm very disappointed with God right now. But I still never forget to pray. He is, after all, the Almighty and I'll just have to deal with whatever he gives me.
"Maybe it's about time that somebody saved your life." said Mary Jane Watson to Peter Parker in the closing scenes of Spiderman 2, which I caught on HBO this week. These lines echoed through my head all day. I'm not saying that I'm like Spiderman, cheating death and giving others a second chance to live. I'm no superhero but I've given my share of thankless help to others, even to people that I don't even know. I guess I'm just hoping for something or someone to save me.
Music: Siam Shade - Life
I'm sorry if I haven't updated in awhile. The 82nd Season of the NCAA has already begun last June 24, 2006 and I'm still adjusting to the work-load. I've been very busy lately.
To be honest with all of you, the work-load is very manageable because I now have Tuesdays and Thursdays off. Unfortunately, it's just me who insists on working myself like a horse because it seems to be the only thing keeping me sane right now.
It's not healthy, really. But I seem to find work pleasurable in a way that it makes me think less about my situation and more about doing my job right. I'm also happy about the fact that I'm learning a lot of new things, especially about the sportswriting field, from my superior, Nathaniel Dela Cruz. I also like the fact that Nats (his nickname) never hesitates to tell me what I'm doing wrong, pretty much enhancing the learning. As Kintaro Oe always said, "Very Educational!"
It still scares me, though. I now dread Tuesdays and Thursdays because they're my most idle times of the week. And it is in idle times that I get haunted by my own demons, slowly draining me of my will to live.
My mind is a desolate place. There are times that I'd rather open my eyes in the darkness of my room than close my eyes and journey into the deepest recesses of my mind. It's just too much to take. So many bitter memories; so much regret; so many voices shouting shouldn't-haves and might-have-beens.
And whenever I sleep, I will still be haunted by those memories which manifest themselves as midnight reveries that leave a destructive wake on my consciousness.
I'm also scared to talk to my friends lately, most especially my bestfriend, Elaigh. Around other people, I always put on a strong facade to make them think that everything is just fine and dandy. On the other hand, I could never hide anything from Elaigh. Whenever I'm with her, I always take off that mask of strength and reveal the weakling that hides on the other side. But I'm just in too much pain that it might actually spill over to her and affect her. I don't want that. I don't want to be a burden, especially to my bestfriend.
If you're reading this, Elaigh, I'm really sorry. You may think of it as something that is self-righteous but I don't want to bother you with my constant whining. You have your own battles to fight, too. It'll be too selfish of me to ask for your help in fighting mine.
I'm sorry.
Sure, I am happy whenever I work. But at the end of the day, I always have to face myself during my homeward commute and before going to bed. Sometimes I even wish that the FX I'm riding suddenly crashes, or a stray bullet suddenly shoots down from the heavens and pierces through my brain. Unfortunately, He won't give me the privilege of death... At least not while He's still having lots of fun.
As most can see, my faith is not in tip-top shape either. As much as I try saying to myself that I have many things to be thankful for like having a roof over my head, eating three square meals a day, clothes that keep me warm, etc.; I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't say that I'm very disappointed with God right now. But I still never forget to pray. He is, after all, the Almighty and I'll just have to deal with whatever he gives me.
"Maybe it's about time that somebody saved your life." said Mary Jane Watson to Peter Parker in the closing scenes of Spiderman 2, which I caught on HBO this week. These lines echoed through my head all day. I'm not saying that I'm like Spiderman, cheating death and giving others a second chance to live. I'm no superhero but I've given my share of thankless help to others, even to people that I don't even know. I guess I'm just hoping for something or someone to save me.
posted by caitiff at 9:25 AM
1 Comments:
I think people have already been trying to save you... Sometimes we just fail to see it since our minds are too clouded.
It's sometimes a matter of self-confidence as well. After all, good thoughts attract good karma and vice versa too.
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