Ronin Vampire

Looking Back But Moving Forward

2009-09-03T21:02:00.005+08:00

Mood: Thinking
Music: Hums of various electronic appliances

I couldn't believe it either when I saw. It has been three years since my last entry in this blog. That's enough time to presume me dead.

A lot has happened in those three years. I think my job then was still as an Assistant Media Affairs Coordinator for the NCAA. Just to get you guys up to speed on my career, my contract with the NCAA ended on March 2007 and I got hired in by HotOccasions.com as an Associate Editor. I spent two years in the company. I resigned at the end of May 2009. I've been a CEO (well, unemployed, but CEO sounds better) for 3 months and counting.

I looked back into my previous posts in this blog and I realized something: I was one outfit short of being an emo kid. Damn. I never realized that I posted so much drama that it could rival an All American Rejects album.

It kind of makes me wonder. Have I grown up in those three years that have passed since then? I'm pretty much still dealing with the same problems as before and I don't even know if I am doing something differently in dealing with them. Am I still that 24 year old kid only 3 years older?

An assessment of my current state doesn't really give a positive answer to that question. I mean, c'mon. I'm 27 years old, single and unemployed (err... a CEO... Okay, it doesn't really work). Not to mention that my burnout with the previous job has contributed in the degradation of my writing skills.

Then again. There is no use looking back and dwelling. All I can do now is move forward. And, boy do I have a lot of free time to do that.

I'm currently enrolled in a gym in Ortigas and, with the help of my dad, was able to hire Orly, a personal trainer. He's really good at what he does and I'm learning a lot from him. Of course, I am aso having fun, but not too much.

Being a quintessential crossbreed of a couch potato and a wild boar, I find it very hard to do the exercises. The intense regimen that Orly's putting me through sure pushes me to my limit. He's put me under a super-setted program that requires me to do three to five exercises in one go. Basically, the 40 minutes that I spend in the program is equivalent to two to three hours of gym time.

It is kind of fulfilling whenever I finish an entire super-set. Tiring, but fulfilling. While Orly does say that I am doing pretty well and he sees that I'm working my ass off (literally), I sometimes find myself disappointed whenever I would take a two second break between reps. I do understand that I have my limits, and Orly said that it was okay to rest for a bit as long as I don't stop.

I guess that's what's really going on with me right now. I am trying my best to move forward, but it's not easy. So right now, I am resting. But that doesn't mean that I'm gonna stop.

I'll get there one day.

At Fourth Street

2006-08-13T12:36:00.000+08:00

Mood: Somewhat disappointed
Music: Still echoes

Yesterday, I entered the Savarin Poker Tournament. And it proved, to be a very interesting and slightly disappointing experience.

Ever since I got my tournament invite, I've been psyching myself out for the competition. Practicing online, refining my analyses of flops and regulating my aggression. I treated it like my stepping-stone to the ultimate poker stage: The World Poker Tour.

I was doing pretty well and I was able to make it at the final table. But my bid ended when I went All-in with Ace-King suited in Clubs. The chip leader called my bet and he had a Jack-Deuce off-suit. I was clearly at the advantage until the flop came; a flop that ended up with him getting triple deuces.

I ended up in Fourth Place. The top-most spot with no prize. I was very disappointed. I'm just one place short of Third, which had a guaranteed prize.

It just goes to show that no matter how hard I try, no matter how well I played, fate still has the final say if I get what I want. Too bad Fate's not that generous to me.

As much as I don't want to sound like an ingrate, I'd have to say I deserved to win. My play was perfect. I had no unnecessary raises, no bad folds and I knew what I needed to do every step of the way. Another thing that made me think that I deserved to win is that, out of the 59 players in the tournament, only I and my friend (the one who got Third place) did not re-buy* throughout the duration of the tourney.

That fact in itself says something. It says that I (along with my friend) am good. It may sound very arrogant but I am. I've been working hard, always making sure that my play is perfect.
And I lost just because someone had more money to spend than I.

This made me compare and contrast my life with that Poker game. Much like my life, even if I worked hard to perfectly execute a plan that'll help me reach my goal, I will always fall short because of something that I couldn't control. Always.

If I were to quantitatively identify the components of life, I'd have to say that life is 40% Luck, 30% Guts and 30% Skill with a passing quota of 70%. So I guess it's just too bad that all I got is 60% because I don't believe in Luck.

Luck is a concept that I keep on denying, but it just really is there. But I guess, even after this, I'm still stubborn enough to say that I will prove that all I needed was 60%.

*if a player gets knocked-out in the early rounds of a poker tournament, he or she has the option to pay the house a certain amount so that he or she could gain more chips. Sort of like a bribe to play again, in my humble opinion. Each player usually is limited to just one re-buy but I don't use it out of principle.

Screams...

2006-07-16T23:07:00.000+08:00

Mood: Screaming!
Music: Silence broken by voices screaming in my head

"Why don't you just quit whining?! At least your not out in the streets begging!"

"You have a whole lot to be thankful for, you ungrateful bastard! Can't you just be content!"

"Let's just end this! C'mon! I dare you! Kill me!"

"Death is too good for you! I'd rather not kill you. The blood of dishonored clans flow within you and I'd rather not stain myself with that!"

"You coward!"

"You don't deserve to live nor do you deserve to die! You deserve to merely exist..."

"I know! I know! Death is a salvation that I cannot afford! Have you got anything else other than that?"

"Yes, I do! But I know that you won't like it!."

"What else can you do to me? C'mon give me everything you got! I fuckin' dare you!"

"YOU ARE WORTHLESS!"

It's Safe to Say That I'm Going Nuts

2006-07-02T09:25:00.000+08:00

Mood: Heading towards the general direction of dimentia and depression
Music: Siam Shade - Life

I'm sorry if I haven't updated in awhile. The 82nd Season of the NCAA has already begun last June 24, 2006 and I'm still adjusting to the work-load. I've been very busy lately.

To be honest with all of you, the work-load is very manageable because I now have Tuesdays and Thursdays off. Unfortunately, it's just me who insists on working myself like a horse because it seems to be the only thing keeping me sane right now.

It's not healthy, really. But I seem to find work pleasurable in a way that it makes me think less about my situation and more about doing my job right. I'm also happy about the fact that I'm learning a lot of new things, especially about the sportswriting field, from my superior, Nathaniel Dela Cruz. I also like the fact that Nats (his nickname) never hesitates to tell me what I'm doing wrong, pretty much enhancing the learning. As Kintaro Oe always said, "Very Educational!"

It still scares me, though. I now dread Tuesdays and Thursdays because they're my most idle times of the week. And it is in idle times that I get haunted by my own demons, slowly draining me of my will to live.

My mind is a desolate place. There are times that I'd rather open my eyes in the darkness of my room than close my eyes and journey into the deepest recesses of my mind. It's just too much to take. So many bitter memories; so much regret; so many voices shouting shouldn't-haves and might-have-beens.

And whenever I sleep, I will still be haunted by those memories which manifest themselves as midnight reveries that leave a destructive wake on my consciousness.

I'm also scared to talk to my friends lately, most especially my bestfriend, Elaigh. Around other people, I always put on a strong facade to make them think that everything is just fine and dandy. On the other hand, I could never hide anything from Elaigh. Whenever I'm with her, I always take off that mask of strength and reveal the weakling that hides on the other side. But I'm just in too much pain that it might actually spill over to her and affect her. I don't want that. I don't want to be a burden, especially to my bestfriend.

If you're reading this, Elaigh, I'm really sorry. You may think of it as something that is self-righteous but I don't want to bother you with my constant whining. You have your own battles to fight, too. It'll be too selfish of me to ask for your help in fighting mine.

I'm sorry.

Sure, I am happy whenever I work. But at the end of the day, I always have to face myself during my homeward commute and before going to bed. Sometimes I even wish that the FX I'm riding suddenly crashes, or a stray bullet suddenly shoots down from the heavens and pierces through my brain. Unfortunately, He won't give me the privilege of death... At least not while He's still having lots of fun.

As most can see, my faith is not in tip-top shape either. As much as I try saying to myself that I have many things to be thankful for like having a roof over my head, eating three square meals a day, clothes that keep me warm, etc.; I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't say that I'm very disappointed with God right now. But I still never forget to pray. He is, after all, the Almighty and I'll just have to deal with whatever he gives me.

"Maybe it's about time that somebody saved your life." said Mary Jane Watson to Peter Parker in the closing scenes of Spiderman 2, which I caught on HBO this week. These lines echoed through my head all day. I'm not saying that I'm like Spiderman, cheating death and giving others a second chance to live. I'm no superhero but I've given my share of thankless help to others, even to people that I don't even know. I guess I'm just hoping for something or someone to save me.

Dreamer's Dilemma

2006-05-30T16:15:00.000+08:00

Mood: Emotional shutdown is an option
Music: Bana - Shell

I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing, really.

After weeks of dreamless slumbers, I was finally able to drift into reverie last night. It was a really good dream, everything was perfect. It was really what it was: A dreamland, a place where everything I ever wanted and needed was.

Of course, as with every dream, it ended when I woke up. The dream was so fantastic, something in me wanted to go back to sleep. So I did. Everytime I woke up, I forced myself back to sleep.

I was suddenly disturbed by my attitude and desire to live in the dream that I had to snap-out of it and used sheer force of will to get on my feet so I could start my day.

I'm really scared.

Two opposing polarities of desire are battling within me: the desire to never wake up and the desire to face the dreadful day. There is no clear winner yet but I know one thing: I will always suffer in the end.

Summer Has Ended...

2006-05-12T14:40:00.000+08:00

Mood: Searching for the sun
Music: Do As Infinity - Summer Days

The raindrops have replaced the sunshine.

An indication that summer is over.

No more walking on the sidewalk while basking in the rays. No more running around town while baking in summer's dry heat. No more summer days.

I'm especially sad that this summer has ended. It's a summer of firsts for me. This is my first summer as a writer, a real one; my first summer as a man, working to earn his keep. Most importantly, this is my first summer as a full-fledged dreamer; an Eternal Dreamer (although, that phase is starting to see an end, too).

As many of you may have noticed, if you've been reading some of my recent entries, I'm not really in a good emotional state. And one of the few things that help me get by is my appreciation for the summer sun. Now that the summer is gone, I'll have to look to other things so that I don't drown so much into the dark cesspools of my head.

To make matters worse, my being a dreamer is starting to see an end. What is a dreamer if he can't even dream?

These past few weeks, everytime I go to sleep, I would only sleep a dreamless sleep. Whenever I would start to dream, something or someone in me would wake me up, then I will attempt to sleep again. This cycle will continue until I sleep a dreamless sleep, which is also the reason why I haven't been sleeping well these past nights.

I really don't have a resolution for any of the things happening right now. I just want to air-out whatever I need to air-out so I could go on with my life.

Murder at the Gates

2006-04-19T21:15:00.000+08:00

Mood: Sick and Tired
Music: Chirping of crickets

April 19, 2006; around 5:00 PM. Just at the mouth of our subdivision gates, a neighbor of ours was ambushed and murdered in cold-blood by a number of unidentified well-armed men. He was first shot around 5 times in the body then, as he crawled on the ground, was shot in the head at point-blank range as a coup de grace.

I wasn't a witness to the event itself, I just missed it by a few minutes while I was riding a tricycle going home.

I'm not really shaken by the fact that something as gruesome as that happened at such close proximity. I always assume that there is no such thing as a "peaceful neighborhood". Even in the most tranquil of places, anything can happen from a simple skinned-knee to a bullet-in-the-head.

What really irks me though is the motive and nature of the crime. The victim is somewhat of a small-time activist attempting to expose the anomalies of our subdivision's Home Owner's Association. For that alledged reason, he was executed. It's just really disappointing that we Filipino's would kill even for such a small-scale government like a Home Owner's Association. If things like this happen on such a microcosmic scale, what more on the big time?

I'm sick and tired of us Filipino's. Instead of trying to use our power to make things better for everyone, we only use it to satify our own agendas. This is why we never prosper, all we ever think about is our own selfish needs and not the needs of each other.

I offer my condolences to the victim and his family. Although I didn't know him well, I admire him for the fact that he tried to make a difference. It did cost him his life, but I think he knew that this would happen and he still went for it. Like a foolish dreamer, raising his sails amidst a storm.

P.S. I'm really sick. As in I've got sore-throat, a cold, and a fever. But I still have work to do so I have to go to the office. Again, like a foolish dreamer, raising his sails amidst a storm.

Closer To The Sky Yet Farther From Heaven

2006-04-14T19:27:00.000+08:00

Mood: Forcibly content
Music: Bonnie Pink - It's Gonna Rain!

As I'm writing this entry, I am in a resthouse here in Baguio owned by my dad's friend.

Baguio City has always been a special place to me. I don't go here often but when I do, I always get some sort of emotional breakthrough which helps me cope with my personal problems--most of which are just caused by my paranoia or neurosis. I don't really know why this place makes me feel a bit lighter. Maybe it's the mountain air. Again, I don't really know. This place really helps me think a lot about life.

In past entries, I've raved a lot about my career because I just really love it so much. I'm really trying hard to be content about it. I don't really want to complain because my career is going well and I'm really learning a lot from it. Unfortunately, no matter how hard I try to be content; no matter how many times I say to myself, "I've got a career... Life is good," I still feel somewhat empty and incomplete.

I may sound like a brat, but that's just exactly how I feel. All this time I've just been lying, force-feeding myself the concept of contentment. Even though I've said it time-and-again that I love my career, something still feels missing. I have an idea on what it is, I just don't want it to be "that" because I think that it's not for me to decide if "it" is for me.

I think the title of this entry summarizes effectively exactly what I'm going through right now. Even though I see that I am getting closer and closer to reaching the skies, I still feel very far from the Heaven that I so seek.

For now, I'll just keep on talking; convincing myself that life is good. Maybe, just maybe, I can learn to truly accept it.

Career Development And Stuff.

2006-04-06T10:38:00.000+08:00

Mood: Indefinite
Music: Fallout Boy - Sugar, We're Going Down

I don't know whether I'm going to be happy or sad. As of 9:30 today, I have two jobs. One is my primary profession as the Assistant Coordinator of NCAA Media Affairs, and the second one is as a writer for Animo Magazine (NCAA beat, of course).

I'm thrilled about having a sideline, but something at the back of my head is telling me that I might push myself over the limit; spread myself too thin, so to speak. I, for one, don't intend to let that happen.

In my college years, I had a phase wherein I wanted to do anything and everything. I was able to handle it the first two years. After that, however, everything stacked up so high then came tumbling down on me. Basically, I have a history of over-burdening myself.

History repeating itself, is not really far from happening. But I guess I've learned enough to prevent that from happening. I'll just have to work hard, as frickin' usual.

A Sigh of Disappointment

2006-03-30T16:06:00.000+08:00

Mood: Disappointed
Music: Oasis - Stand By Me

I really don't get the enforcement and implementation of the Human Resources policies of DLS-CSB. Just last Monday, they suddenly informed me and Dianne (my fellow fresh-grad co-worker) that we need to submit a Tax Identification Number (TIN) or we won't be able to get our wages.

What makes me wonder is that why CSB didn't issue us our TIN. By law, a company with more than five employees is required to process its employees' TINs, so Di and I were so shocked to hear that we, fresh-grads who don't have TINs yet, were required to procure one for ourselves.

We had a hell of a day yesterday. Di and I went to the BIR, spending almost Php 160 for taxifare, only to find out that we needed our employer's signature before they could process our papers and that the processing would take one week. Discouraged, we went back to CSB and asked the departments concerned for help.

It is there that we experienced more hell. They suddenly told us that we could actually get our TINs on the BIR website. We had to waste a lot of money and a lot of time just going to the damn BIR office. Trying to make up for lost time, we just tried the website, which led to a lot more complications that could've made even the Da Lai Llama rip his hair out. Eventually we did get our TINs but at the cost of our sanity.

More dissapointments came in today. The NCAA Policy Board and the Management Committee decided to move the NCAA Welcome Party to April 20, 2006. This means that me (and Di, as well) couldn't possibly be able to join the SPO teambuilding this coming April 19 to April 21.

Oh well, work first before play. I love what I do anyway. I just don't like that it just so happened to conflict with the teambuilding.

I just hope that we could have contingencies that may enable us to go.

Statistic No More Yet Still Going For More

2006-03-18T14:34:00.000+08:00

Mood: Thankful
Music: The rustling of the leaves on a warm Saturday afternoon

As of March 16, 2006, I am officially employed. I am no longer a digit behind the decimal point of the ever-increasing unemployment rate. I now work for the NCAA as Media Affairs Assistant Coordinator. Thank God I got out of bumhood.

The job itself is not really that much of a glamour job. It's a far cry from what is expected of a graduate of an IT related field. My parents were not really too thrilled about it, but they were still glad I got a job. They were really expecting me to go for Accenture or something.

I for one don't really give a shit about getting a job that is related to my field of study. Being part of Media Affairs is more of a Communications degree-holder's gig, I know. But because of my experience in working for the Student Publications Office (SPO), I fell in love with the communications industry. For me, what's important is I love what I do.

And right now, I do.

I'm also planning to take another job because the nature of my current one is only part-time. The other one I'm aiming for is a full-time Editorial Assistant position at a magazine. I hope and pray that it works out, as well.

The Devil And/In Me

2006-03-14T22:52:00.000+08:00

Mood: Dumping excess mental baggage
Music: Led Zeppelin - Immigrant Song

I am a self-proclaimed dreamer, which makes it apparently obvious that I often like to remember my dreams and study their meanings.

I've dreamt a lot about lots of stuff which I often times tell my friends about, for consultation. After talking about it with my friends, discussing its potential meaning, I just let the dream go and eventually forget it.

There is, however, one dream (or in this case, nightmare) that I've never forgotten. And it had to be the first nightmare I ever had. I was five years-old when I dreamt of it. And I never forgot it ever since.

Me and my brother were just playing in a really big warehouse of hay. The entire warehouse was made of sheet iron but, because of the hay, it looked more like a barn.

Out of nowhere, the devil (in a child’s-view archetype: all-red skin, goatee, wings, tail, the works) rises from the ground and starts chasing us. Being children, we automatically ran out of fear of it. It was the devil and it was out to get us.

The warehouse was pretty big. We had a lot of space to run around and the devil was having a hard time catching up. It decided to make the chase more difficult for us by hurling balls of fire. This caused a lot of the surrounding hay to go up in flames.

So there we were, running around in a burning oven of hay, dodging the fireballs being flung towards our direction. My brother (three years-old back then) fell behind and was knocked down by the blast of one of the fireballs.

The devil seized the opportunity. He used his trident to take some burning hay and dumped it on my vulnerable brother. My brother was screaming for help while he was burning alive under the smoldering stack of hay. All I could do was watch as his form disappeared under the smoke and blaze.

I was stunned to see my brother die in the inferno. The devil saw it and started arrogantly walking towards me because he knew that I could not run away.

Suddenly, I just snapped. The devil was right, I did not run away. Instead, I charged at him, using my entire body to tackle him down. Surprised as he was, he was easily taken down. As he went down, I grabbed hold of his trident and impaled him to the ground.

He was, of course, still alive but he's not able to move. However, instead of a wince of pain, I saw from his face a wicked smile. Feeling mocked, I knelt down and began eating his flesh; starting with his arm. He then began laughing maniacally as I performed this carnal deed.

It is then, when I woke up. With the taste of demon-flesh in my mouth.

It felt so real. I could never forget its taste. It is reminiscent of dried onions with an earthy undertone (probably the reason why I hate onions). A taste that still lingers in my mouth up this day.

I never really knew what this dream meant. And I guess, I never really wanted to find out. Being able to dream something like that at the tender age of five could say a lot about my psyche.

The reason why I told of this dream that has been haunting me is because I wanted to get rid of some unnecessary mental baggage. I'm just dealing with so much right now that I'd rather focus on what I need to face. I never really told anyone about this dream, so maybe, just maybe, if I put it in writing, I might be able to let it go.

A Gathering of Ancients

2006-03-10T01:03:00.000+08:00

Mood: Nostalgic and Extremely Stoked
Music: Kasenai Tsumi - Nana Kitade

It's no wonder that waiting for a good day is getting me nowhere; I should've been waiting for a good night. And it finally came.

I just came home from what I would like to call "A Gathering of Ancients". One of my dearest friends, Paulette, just returned from the US and asked Ms. E, the former SPO Head, to organize a little get together of ex-SPO staff members. And we did just that at Gerry's Grill-Greenbelt, where we exchanged stories, caught up with each other's lives and drove each other crazy with our insane antics.

People in attendance :

Vinci
Me
Ms. E
Paulette
Kate
Mike
Wichi
Willa
Jem
Jen
Aia
Aaron

It was a blast seeing them again. And, of course, it was more fun talking to them. We we're all just being crazy, filling the entire palce with laughs, guffaws and the like. I can't really express into words how much I missed these people. (begin old man voice) It made me remember the days of yore when the SPO was still in bad shape but everyone worked very hard. And despite the hardship, we all had fun anyway because we love what we do. (End old man voice)

Not to say that the new SPO isn't like that. The SPO is still as fun as ever. We just had it harder in those days (in my point-of-view, at least).

In the Gathering, we also brought up plans to go to Boracay come this May. Hopefully, I have money by then. Jen and Aia rounded the cost to around Php6000 per head. Kind of steep, yes. But if I can be with them in an island paradise, it'll be worth it.

P.S.
I apologize for the unusually disorganized sentence and paragraph construction of this post. I'm pretty beat. I had to run a few errands before the Gathering.

Still Waiting For A Good Day

2006-03-06T15:06:00.000+08:00

Mood: Contemplating on a Kamikaze run
Music: New Found Glory - Head On Collision

My situation is a perfect example of how having the reputation of being strong can bite you in the ass after a while. When everybody believes in your ability to help yourself so much that they'd rather not bother helping you... Even if you ask them to (or at least imply it).

As many of you can tell, I am not exactly in a very good state of mental health. If asking God to help you sleep every night by begging (as in BEGGING) Him to give you a mindwipe is the basis of a healthy mind, I wouldn't be worried nor would I be letting out screams muffled by my pillow, coat, or any other audio-retardant items I could find. Obviously, after careful review of my automatic responses and impulses, I tried to reach out to some of my closest friends.

Unfortunately, they're all too busy. Boohoo... What am I to do? It would be very audacious of me if I forced the issue and asked them to help me. Oh, woe is me. I guess, I'll just have to settle with the you-can-do-it, stay-strong, and heres-a-list-of-what-I-have-do-and-its-up-to-your-conscience-if-you-still-want-my-help responses. I'm strong enough, anyway. I can take it. Yes, I can. I'm not yet on the virge of suicide, I'm just two-inches from the edge of my sanity and two-inches is a looooooong way to go. As all of them have known me, I am the immobile pillar-of-strength that makes mountains look like they sway with the gusts of the wind.

This post is not meant to demean my closest friends. I love them very much. I'm just trying to preserve my sanity by letting the excess sarcasm in my mouth foam out. I can't blame them. I mean, they are busy. Who am I to intrude?

Please forgive me if any of you are reading this.

I have no one else to blame but myself. Through the years, I've almost always dealt with problems by my lonesome. And if ever I did ask for help, all I needed to know was that my friends are there (even if they don't say a word) and I'll be alright. I guess everyone I knew is used to me being like that, even in the direst of circumstances.

Oh well, I'll just have to wing it as usual. I'll just wait if anyone is in the mood or not too busy to help. Or I'll just do the usual and just wait for a good day.

Why Not Give A Crazy Chance?

2006-03-04T13:26:00.000+08:00

Mood: Trying to be Stoic
Music: Fallout Boy - Grand Theft Autumn

I was relieved yesterday when the government finally lifted Proclamation no. 1017. However, I'd think I'd have to somewhat agree with this article from INQ7.net: Lifting of 1017 met with skepticism.

As I read the article, it is implied by the skeptics that the Proclamation was lifted just to prevent further demonstrations and coup attempts, and that the suppression of rights will continue in the shadows.

From a neurotic writer's point-of-view, I'd have to partially agree with the skeptics. The government hasn't really been doing a bang-up job of getting it's peoples respect and trust. And the nerve-wracking events that transpired over the past few days hasn't helped them much in that area either.

Having said that I "partially agree" was because, again as I read, I found no basis YET (keyword: YET) of the continuance of the suppression of rights. The only thing I saw that most closely resembles suppression (or in this case, prosecution) are the filing of cases of Sedition against Niña Cacho-Olivares, Ike Señeres, and Herman Tiu-Laurel. And I wouldn't really count this as suppression because the government has the right to sue someone. At least they are given a chance to defend themselves in a Court of Law with the government having the Burden of Proof.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not Pro-PGMA, nor am I anti-government. I'm just saying that let's not jump the gun and start being paranoid about these things. Yes, it is true that the government can and is capable of doing such things but as long as there is no evidence of that happening, we have no choice but to take the lifting of 1017 at face-value. And we have to trust that the media will be doing it's job well by keeping a watchful eye and a determined spirit to make sure that any evidence of obfuscated suppression will be out for everyone to see and act upon.

The point is, for now, let's give the government a chance to prove the sincerity of the lifting of 1017. All of these demostrations, picketting and coup attempts are not really helping out anyway. It just brings more instability and chaos resulting in a lack of peace of mind.

Why not give a crazy chance? It might just be crazy enough to work.

From Teacher, To Student. And Vice-Versa

2006-03-03T00:57:00.000+08:00

Mood: Educating
Music: Do As Infinity - Enrai

"Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach."

I've heard this saying said so many times but never really got into trying to verify it's validity in real life until now. If I we're to rate the chance of this saying being a fact, I'd have to say that it is 50% right.

Last week, I accompanied my brother to the University of Sto. Tomas (UST) to request for his transcript of records. I was amazed at how fast they process clearances for documents such as that. In less than 20 minutes, my brother has already filed the request and will just claim his records after a week.

In the college I graduated from, the De La Salle-College of St. Benilde (DLS-CSB), the filing of request for such documents is such a tedious task that one would need to devote a whole day just to do it. Reason for this is that you'd have to be cleared first by each and every department in the College. You'd have to hunt down each and every department head, so that each of them could sign the more-than-ten blank spaces in the request form. Unlike in UST, wherein there are only two spaces to be signed by the accountant and the registrar, respectively.

I told him how surprised I was and he explained that UST follows principles of Total Quality Management (TQM) that help speed up their processing. It's also one of the subjects being emphasized in their Commerce courses.

"Wait, my school teaches TQM!", is the phrase that suddenly started screaming in my mind. Followed by a, "Why the hell can't they do TQM if they friggin' teach it?!"

It kind of made me wonder, really. DLS-CSB is a College that has a population of roughly 9,000 students. In comparison to UST's tens-of-thousands of students, DLS-CSB should be able to manage it's records more effectively and efficiently without going through too much red-tape. Unfortunately, that's not happening because whoever's in charge of designing the system for the College doesn't practice what it's teachers preach.

The system at UST cuts down unecessary red-tape by eliminating redundant procedures, such as a clearance form. In UST, one only has to get the clearance forms done once in his entire stay in the University; and that is when one's applying for graduation. That is when the student goes through the task of getting his clearance from every department in his college. After that, the only departments that the alumni have to be concerned about are the Registrar and Accounting. It does make sense. If a student was able to graduate, it simply means he/she is already cleared from everything and would only have to deal with the aforementioned departments for other concerns.

In DLS-CSB, however, a student must go through the clearance form thrice. One for the Letter of Intent to Graduate, one for the request of a Transcript of Records, and one for a request for a diploma. It is very redundant and very frustrating, especially if the one supposed to sign your records is away on break.

I'm not saying that UST is a much better school in general. The point here is about doing what you teach, or at least learning from what you teach. I'm just wondering why DLS-CSB can't apply the same principles, as well? Is DLS-CSB one of those who follow the saying mentioned above?

I would like to reach out to educators everywhere. Whenever we try to teach someone something, we should make sure that we don't just talk about it and actually do what we say. It is more inspiring for our students if they actually see that we ourselves do what we are trying to teach them to do. It enforces our expertise in the matter and makes them listen to what we have to say; sort of like a proof of infallibility. And in some cases, it makes them want to try and learn harder so that they could do better than us.

If you noticed, I used "we" instead of "you". It's because this lesson actually applies to all of us. I believe (and hypothesize) that we are all teachers in our own right. And if you learned anything from reading this, I guess I just proved my hypothesis.

Confessions of a Twenty-something Drama Person

2006-03-02T01:22:00.000+08:00

Mood: Dramatic
Music: Bump of Chicken - Lostman

I've been overly dramatic towards people these past few days. I don't really know why but a lot of self-doubt has been lingering over me; hovering above my head as a vulture would over a dying buffalo.

It's been 4 months ever since I started handing out my resumé. So far I've only gotten 2 interviews and no callbacks. As much as I fight it, I still can't help but think if I'm good enough to get into any job at all. What is wrong with me? Is there a mispelled word on my resumé? Do I have a zit on my photo? Did I not use the right kind of paper? Please tell me!!!

It was just weird talking to people today. I have to confess that I feel really out of it. All I ever did while talking to my friends today was apologize or make them feel down as well or something. The melancholy is probably too much that it's spilling over and reaching anyone I talk to.

I'm trying my darned hardest to fight it by praying, remembering my philosophy and playing the harmonica. Unfortunately, it didn't help much. It's just one of those days when I just really needed to make myself (and other people) feel miserable.

I'll still try and fight. I will never give up. I'll snap out of it eventually. I just have to keep on trying.

And of course, if it wouldn't be too much of a hassle, I would also like to ask for your prayers. I'd gladly pray for you, as well.

Speaking of confessions, I was watching Pinoy Big Brother - Celebrity Edition and was somewhat happy that Rustom Padilla finally came out of the closet and admitted he's gay. It must've been liberating for someone like him who has harboured 30-plus years worth of anxiety and apprehension about coming-out. Seeing someone conquer his own demons is kind of inspiring.

Surprisingly enough, I was also able to catch Payong Kapatid, another ABS-CBN show, which featured homosexuality among the youth. ABS-CBN seems to be clinging on to Rustom's coming-out buzz.

I'll be expecting more shows on ABS-CBN which will feature the aforementioned situation because it seems that there's a new TV-topic bandwagon to ride. I won't be surprised if GMA follows suit either.

All or Nothing: Freedom, Power, Responsibility.

2006-02-28T12:50:00.000+08:00

Mood: Rational
Music: Alanis Morrisette - Wunderkind

The days of social unrest have already passed but one can't help but think about what happened in this country the past few days.

A State of Emergency, more popularly known as Proclamation no. 1017, was declared by PGMA which started a chain recation of demostrations, coup attempts, and destabilization plots based on our distorted definition of People Power. But the issue that hit me where it hurts was the supposed suppression of the freedom of the press.

I am a journalist (well a wanna-be, at most), which makes it apparent that I am against the suppression of press freedom. However, I seem to understand why the government is trying to do such a thing. I also find the chain of demostrations unecessary and over-reactive to a stituation that could've been resolved through diplomatic manners.

The government has no right to suppress the media simply because of the fact that no one has the right to control what anybody has to say or write. But, being journalists, I say that it is up to us to moderate ourselves. Only we have the right to declare our "suppression of press freedom", but the basis of that control is on our resposibility as journalists.

The media is a very powerful tool that could calm or enrage an entire populace. Why do you think a lot of people would like to appear on TV, get heard on the radio, or be written in the news paper? Simply because it is the best and most powerful way to get one's message across. Whether it be good or bad.

The power of media often got misused throughout the decades in the forms of yellow-journalism, propaganda, and oversensationalism. The government is simply attempting to tip the balance of power by trying to suppress the media. Not to say that it is acceptable nor do they have any right to do it. It's just that it is quite understandable why they are trying. However, it's not the balance of power that they (and we) should be trying to even out. It should be the balance of power and responsibility.

In the immortal words of Ben Parker, "With great power comes great responsibility." I know we've heard this a lot of times, which proves that it is in fact a truth in life. The government and the media have the power of the state and the power of the press, respectively. It is up to all of us to find a way to moderate the use of these powers. Besides, what's power without control?

Instead of trying to destabilize the government and inciting change through massive demostrations, let us just try to help each other out; let us try to help ourselves out. Start with the small things like obeying simple laws, contributing to the community or reallocating our resources to help those in need. Instead of always fighting over who should lead the country, let's fight for what needs to be done to improve our conditions. A change in leadership is useless if we, the people, don't contribute to make things better. What's important is how we as citizens help each other out. We, the people, are the ones that matter. And that is the real People Power.

Moving On and Moving In

2006-02-27T15:52:00.000+08:00

Mood: Fighting
Music: "Row Your Boat" in C-Major Blues (me playing on the harmonica)

Yep... after realizing that I am being confined by the limited features of Friendster Blogs, I finally decided to create a Blogger account so I could say "good riddance" to my old blog.

My situation is getting better now. As I may have written in my old blog: http://caitiff.blogs.friendster.com/seize_the_night, being jobless is getting to me. But the future is looking bright now that I'm applying for an Editorial Assistant job at a magazine. And it's going pretty well, too. I was just recently asked to submit some of my sample works so now I'm hoping for an interview.

I'm still not completely out of the woods though. I'm still being haunted by feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness and incompetence, but I'll never let that stop me. I'll keep on fighting by practicing my skills so that I could transcend my slump and become a great artist. Seems that the teachings of the great Kensei, Musashi Miyamoto, are finally being absorbed by my spirit.

In light of the lessons I learned from Go Rin No Sho, I've decided to learn another art: playing the harmonica. I don't know, I just suddenly found myself stepping into a music store and ended up purchasing a 10-Hole Diatonic C Harmonica out of impulse. Now I can't stop studying how to play it. I always carry it with me no matter where I go, practicing and practicing, trying to play along every beat I could hear. I hope this doesn't become an obsession though.